The One About Bacon Pipe Tobacco

Credit/blame for this post goes to my tweeps @dpatrick1a and @BOTSryan
Bacon is one of the three tastiest items available for oral pleasure (one of the other two being pipe tobacco, of course). Most everyone loves bacon, a decadent, sinful slice of savory pleasure.

This lust for the king of pork products has led some inventive pipe smokers to pine for a bacon-flavored aromatic pipe tobacco. Like relaxing with a bowl of, say, whiskey cavendish at the end of a long day, wouldn't it rock to have a bacon blend available as an option?

Yes, it would. But I don't think it's gonna happen.

Most pipe tobacco blends are aromatic, and these have, as a vast rule, a sweet flavor. Aromatic pipe tobaccos are in one of three broad flavor groups: fruit (cherry, apple, raspberry), liquor (above-mentioned whiskey, rum, bourbon) or "dessert" flavors like vanilla, chocolate and cookie dough.

You may say that English blends can be called savory; I agree somewhat, but components of non-aromatic blends have their very own "pipe-tobaccoy" flavor--Latakia is smoky, Perique has its sour tang, and Virginias have their own woodsy glide. But they don't taste like something else; a solid English blend can be as full as a steak, but there is no "steaky," meaty flavor.

Given these facts, I think creating a good bacon blend is almost impossible. The best option would be to just take a bacon-flavored liquid topping and sprinkle it over Burley, but there is no such topping (no, liquid smoke stuff isn't bacon-flavored). Barring that, as Ryan from Black Ops Tobacco has postulated, a mix of Latakia and maple cavendish (smoky, maple bacon) may come close...but the pork, alas, would not be in evidence.

I might try to make a Bloody Mary-flavored blend, with a bacon as an accent flavor. Or a bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwich blend, something...but now we're getting a bit silly.

In the end, certain items are their own "thing." Pipe tobacco is pipe tobacco, and bacon is bacon, irreducible, delicious and unique.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm hungry.

Twitter:  @thepipebit
　

Mr. Black

“No way, no way. Tried it once, doesn’t work.

  You got four guys all fighting over who’s gonna be Mr. Black.”

                                                                           --Reservoir Dogs

Most pipe tobaccos have some sort of sweet component. Aromatics are all about a sweet flavor, sure, but even most English blends have a note of sugar, for contrast with the savory elements. One of the big players in this area is the group of tobaccos known as Black Cavendish: a pressed and flavored tobacco, black in color. Black Cavendish class pipe tobaccos also have varying degrees of sweetness. Two common kinds cover the spectrum of what you can expect in this category, and there is an honorable mention.

Black Cavendish Aromatic: Also known by its initials: BCA. This is the standard of what most pipe smokers think of when the term Black Cavendish is mentioned. It is a sweet, moist, ribbon-cut blend. If you stick your hand in a bag of this and make a fist, some of the tobacco will stick to your fingers--it’s that moist. It will also stick, a bit, to the walls of your pipe’s bowl. For all that, it is an utter standard in American aromatics. The taste is sweet, but not too heavy or overpowering, and plays very well with Burley and Virginias. BCA is a classic and the owner of the Black Cavendishes

Toasted Black Cavendish: Several traits make this different from BCA. It is drier--make a fist in this and little, if any, will stick. The cut is slightly different, a bit more pudgy than BCA’s ribbon cut. And most noticeably, it has the pouch aroma of bagged raisins, in contrast to Black Cavendish Aromatic’s scent of vanilla/chocolate ganache.

The low humidity level of Toasted Black Cavendish make it perfect for adding non-obtrusive sweetness to English blends. Aromatic blends have no problem absorbing the near-dampness of BCA; English mixes, drier by definition, need the more subtle touch of this drier Black Cavendish. Toasted Black Cavendish is made, most popularly, by Altadis and Stokkebye.

Honorable Mention: Vanilla Black Cavendish: This blend, made by McClelland, ramps up the flavor of Black Cavendish. Though BCA is not used, this is very close in terms of moisture content and feel. The difference is in the flavoring, a bit like MacBaren’s Vanilla Crème, but with all black tobaccos. It’s richer than BCA, too, and will surely stick to your fingers. Unique, tasty and sweeter than sugar.

All of the Black Cavendishes mentioned here will be available from a thorough pipe tobacconist, probably by the ounce. Explore and enjoy!

Anniversaries

The heat wave broke last week; at one point, the “feels like” temperature was 107 degrees--somewhat uncomfortable, even to summer die-hards.

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When I was a kid, my parents’ house did not have air conditioning. My room, on the second floor, was a literal hot mess on scorching days. I would eventually get some sleep, with the help of several whirring fans; and in case I got thirsty in the night, my father always left a Dixie cup of cranberry juice on the hall table. He did this every night, no matter the season.

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My father, R.H. Rentner, smoked cigarettes most of his life--Kents was the brand. My mother, Mary Rentner, did not smoke, and never hassled my dad about it. They were a team, and supported and loved each other.

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My father smoked many cigarettes when he told me that I was adopted. Looking back on that conversation, I hope that smoking gave him some level of comfort during that horrifically uncomfortable conversation. I will always remember the blue cigarette smoke coming from the end of his cigarette as he told me the truth. The truth, in fact, was that they were my “real” parents, and always had been; I started to realize that biology meant nothing compared to love.

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Home from college for the summer in the early 1990s, I smoked pipes and cigars in the backyard of their house. My parents were a little surprised to find out that I smoked, and of course I didn’t smoke inside, but there was little criticism from them. I was an adult, after all.

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In later life, my dad gave up Kents. I was working in a tobacco shop by that time, and tried to ease the agony of quitting by bringing home some non-tobacco Ginseng cigarettes. They did seem to help. He said nothing negative about my working in a smoke shop; it was my job, and he supported what I was doing.

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My mom passed away in 2001, and my dad died about 18 months later. They were married to each other for 58 years.

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I still work in a smoke shop. In recent years, I have dipped into Twitter (and Facebook, a different story) and talked with people all over the world. My parents never went online, and never used a computer. Yet, if they were still around, I would try to sit down with them and my iPhone, bring up Twitter, and point out some of my close Followers. “Look!” I’d tell my folks. “In a way, I know these people. I feel closer to some of them than people I know in real life. And folks, I also got the courage to start blogging again, thanks to their friendship.” And they would shake their heads in wonderment, not really understanding, but grateful their son was helped.

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So we wrap up July, and summer heads to a long close during August. We go on, we tweet, we blog. We remember.

Thanks, R.H. and Mary, my real and only parents.

Thanks for giving me my start, and for teaching me.

Thank you.

Happy Anniversary.

R.H. and Mary Rentner, July 31, 1997

Briar and Beyond: Freak Show Pipes

Above picture from kristenpipe.com

Pipes have almost as much variety as pipe tobaccos. Briar, the king of pipe materials, is carved and processed into many unique shapes in addition to the standards of Bulldog, Apple, and so on. Some of the more obscure shapes are Oompaul, Skater and Olipahnt--the last shape being a pipe that has its bowl jutting straight off the shank, instead of the usual upwards-pointing bowl. Yes, it’s a challenge to smoke. There was even a pipe introduced about ten years ago that was as flat as a tongue depressor--the bowl was just a dimple in the wood, and specially-made discs of flattened tobacco (thoughtfully, from the same manufacturer) fit in that area.

Beyond briar is the reliable tier of meerschaum, corn cobs, clay and occasionally, cherry wood. But some pipe manufacturers have, over the history of pipe smoking, made their products out of truly different materials.

Kirsten pipes (cross-section pic at head of this post) have stems and shanks made completely out of, er, metal. This is called the “radiator stem.” The reason? Kirsten pipes feature interchangeability of pipe bowls--any of their bowls will fit on any of their radiator stems. So, you can buy just a bowl and screw it onto your existing pipe--almost a new pipe, presto, without the expense. As a rule, metal is a no-no in pipes, but Kirsten fans treasure the variety this brand offers.

Picture above from legiopraetoria.it

Ah, but you want to try a pipe that is truly out of the ordinary. Then check out the pipes offered (at one time, now on eBay) by the Bartlett Pipe Company (pictured above)  .Bartlett pipes, such as the New Englander and Windjammer, are made of rock maple instead of briar. Oh, and they smoke upside-down--you light and, apparently, smoke the pipe with its bowl pointed at the floor. The system to do this is complicated, but it allegedly works. This company, now apparently defunct, first offered this peculiar style of pipe in what was called the Freedom Smoking Pipe.

Oh, so that’s not unique enough, huh? Wood is old hat and you want something truly different, huh? Aight, then search for the pipe (yes, all lowercase) on eBay. This brand of pipe lined its bowls with a substance called pyrolytic graphite, used originally in aerospace applications. The material created, the company claimed, a lessening of tars and nicotine in this pipe. For an abundance of info about the pipe, visit thepipe.info.  There, author Billie W. Taylor II (PhD.) has put together the definitive source for learning about this product. The company that made the pipe is long gone, though, so like the above Bartlett pipes, eBay and pipe shows are the best places to look for the pipe.

No matter the material you choose for your pipes, be sure to enjoy. Briar is still the reigning champ of pipes, but variety is welcome, in pipe smoking as in life.

Pirates of the Pipe Tobacco

(Note to my blog staff: “For the next post on The Pipe Bit, I want a picture of my humble self decked out as a pirate. I can bring the peg leg and eye patch from home, but I need a cutlass and a parrot. The parrot can be the stuffed kind, if necessary.

What I’m gonna do is tie in blend cuts like rope and coin with pirates. Get it? Like Jack Sparrow and shit like that? No? Well it’s because, you know, pirates use like, rope, and they have treasure with gold coins--Ooh! I’ll need some gold coins too, real gold, for the picture. I’m sure you can take these from the store’s register. And I also want like an audio file of me growling “Aaarrgh, matey,” and a video clip of me waving the cutlass! So that’s all pretty cool, right?”

Chris--sorry, not in the budget.  Sorry--Your Blog Staff)
--


Oh, the bitter injustices we bloggers suffer. Anyway, in a continuing attempt at clarity:

Most pipe tobacco blends come neatly packaged and all ready to smoke, just open the pouch or tin and fill your briar. Some blends, though, require a touch of effort before you can smoke them.

A very old-school type of blend is rope cut. This does indeed look, and feel, like a thick, corded rope. The tobacco is twisted and bound into this shape; and since fine cuts of tobacco would not hold the shape, rope cut blends consist of uncut tobacco leaves--a true rarity in pipe tobacco blends. Sometimes called navy Gawith makes rope cut blends, like their Black XX.

Two other styles of pipe tobacco blends require not cutting, but “rubbing out” (a pause for jokes)…Okay, this term means the smoker takes the tobacco and “rubs” it “out,” between the hands, making a villain’s “heh-heh-heh” gesture, breaking the blend into smaller pieces. Once a blend is rubbed out, the pipe can be filled. Most commonly, this type of pipe mixture is called flake. A flake blend--not the blend component, see the “Basics” post below--is pressed into a “cake,” a small, thin tablet of tobacco. This is then rubbed out. Coin cut, also called birdseye, blend styles are pressed too, but cut into discs. Both flake and coin styles extract the oils in tobacco leaves by pressing; but once rubbed out, can dry quickly. Peter Stokkebye makes a coin cut blend, called Curly Cut, and Sam Gawith offers the legendary Full Virginia Flake. Also, Cornell and Diehl makes a brick-style flake called Pirate Kake (sigh).

These cuts provide a change of pace for the pipe smoker, and are a reminder of the long history and evolution of pipe tobacco blends--for pirates, and everyone else.

Twitter:  @thepipebit

Big Brother: Something on Cigars

I am one of the few people, in our current times, to work in a tobacco store. Or cigar store. Or smoke shop. Or Den of Sin. Call it what you will (just buy something!)

In particular, I work with pipe tobacco, a tiny and arcane area even in the context of a retail tobacconist. For, you see, the product that keeps smoke shops in business is not pipe tobacco. It’s cigars.

True, the image of the wizened, avuncular, corner-store tobacconist whittling away the days thinking up pipe blends is Romantic-capital-R. And it’s also true I am getting wizened and even avuncular (though my employer, Uhle Tobacco, is not on a corner). Alas, though, business does not care for things as they should be, but rather for things as they are, and the way things are regarding retail tobacconists is: MMMMmmmmoney. This means cigars. Cigarettes, too, but that’s for another time.

Blending pipe tobacco is not my only duty at Uhle’s. I also do the receiving of wholesale deliveries, which consist mostly of cigars. These deliveries are unpacked, boxes of cigars laid out on a table like huge dominos, and I then check the contents against a packing slip or invoice. If all is accounted for, I put the cigars in a walk-in humidor, take the paperwork to the office, and go back to pipe tobacco.

I can do that because of those cigars; I would not, frankly, have my job without them. I know this, and appreciate it (and enjoy smoking cigars). Still, there remains a bit of jealousy--the fact is, most customers come in to buy a product I have nothing, directly, to do with. Yes, I know that cigars are less complicated to smoke than pipes. Yes, I know very few people, by comparison with cigars, smoke a pipe. Yes, I know there is a built-in aura of…say, elegance and celebration with cigars.

All true. In the end, I am grateful that one part of the tobacco industry, cigars, can, in essence, support another part, pipe tobacco. Simply--at the retail level--no cigars means no pipe tobacco.

I enjoy and respect cigars, pipe tobacco’s big brother. Hell, there’s even pipe tobacco blends made from cigar leaves (notably by McClelland). A sign of respect--and sales. I hope all tobacco stores can have both, towards all of their products.

Twitter:  @thepipebit

Basics: Pipe Tobaccos and Pipe Tobacco Cuts

“They speak English in What?”

--Jules, Pulp Fiction

To the beginning pipe smoker (and many experienced ones), pipe tobacco terminology can be more confusing than the ret-conning done by Saw V. In a continuing effort at clarity, here are the basics of pipe tobacco and pipe tobacco cuts:

Burley is used in most blends. It has a nutty and subtle flavor. In aromatic blends, it is sometimes pressed and flavored, making it a Cavendish, as in Captain Black. It’s used in English blends to give balance and a hint of natural tobacco taste. When smoked as it‘s unflavored self, burley doesn’t smell too memorable, but this wonderfully adaptive blend component forms the base of many tobacco blends.

Black Cavendish is a catch-all name for burley that has been pressed and flavored with a sweet, sort-of-vanilla topping. Every (decent) tobacconist has at least one Black Cavendish blend; it’s very easy to smoke, flavorful but not overwhelming, and the room aroma is pleasant. All tobaccos in this category are black and flavored, but differ by manufacturer in moisture content (how “wet” a blend feels) and taste. A Black Cavendish may feel dry and smell of raisins (Toasted Black Cavendish from Altadis) or may be moist enough to stick to your hand and have the scent of French vanilla icing (Vanilla Black Cavendish from McClelland). In a blend, this can be used as a primary ingredient in an aromatic, or to give just a hint of sweetness to a primarily English mixture.

Virginia tobaccos have dedicated fans that insist Virginia is The One True Pipe Tobacco To Rule Them All. In it’s most common form, this pale-yellow leaf tastes woody and slightly sweet. Virginia can be “stoved”--exposed to very high heat in processing. This darkens the tobacco, and brings out even more of Virginia’s natural sweetness. They are used to add a bit of body and sugar to English blends, and are used in aromatics to compliment and enhance the blend’s flavors.

Latakia (“Latta-keya“) smells like the smoke from a campfire. That is how it was traditionally produced--leaves were hung from a barn’s rafters, and a fire was lit well under them, so the leaves absorbed the smoky goodness. Today, many large producers might take shortcuts like latakia “flavoring“--but hopefully not. The ultimate English tobacco, latakia is a hallmark of “serious” non-aromatic blends. It lends an earthy, meaty, savory richness when used in moderation in a mixture; but if too much is used, all other flavors are blotted out. Think of latakia as fresh-ground black pepper--a dash good, a handful too much.

And then there’s Perique (“Per-eek”), a true oddball tobacco. Ask your local (real) tobacconist to let you smell this stuff right from the bulk bag--it’s something every pipe smoker should try once. Because perique is the only tobacco that is fermented--yes, as in fermenting a pickle! Genuine perique is made by pressing the tobacco (a special strain grown correctly only in St. James’ Parish, Louisiana) and letting it stew in its oils and juices for a long length of time. Perique is used in tiny amounts in English blends for a bit of a spicy kick. Do not smoke perique by itself--doing this has been compared to, only half-jokingly, having a lobotomy. I shit you not.

And on the subject of having your brain cut out (“Isn‘t that what your blog does?”), the cut of a pipe tobacco is important due to how it affects the burning qualities and aesthetics of a blend.

The most common cut in pipe tobacco is the ribbon cut, also called long cut and sometimes shag cut. Ribbon cut is the narrow, thin, shoelace-width cut that you’ll find in some respect in nearly all mixtures, and in cigarette tobacco. It burns very easily due to its thinness and length, but can burn a bit too quickly for some smokers. The ribbon cut is also very common in Cavendish blends for easy puffing. Most popular blends, like Apple and Captain Black, are ribbon cut.

Flake cut tobacco looks a bit like a thin chip of wood (flake is also a type of pressed blend, which is another post). A very light, flat cut, it slows burning and gives a blend the visual appeal of a dash of color, for example with Virginia tobacco cut into flakes. The broader plane of this cut also adds more flavor than a ribbon cut, as there is more surface area to burn. McClelland uses Virginia flake in several mixtures.

Like a flake cut, cube cut slows burning but has even more surface area than a flake. So, it adds even more flavor and provides a leisurely smoke. The flavor and subtleties of burley are truly brought out in this cut. This is also the most difficult cut to produce of the three cuts, needing special pressing and cutting equipment, and several layers of burley, to produce a quality cube. This cut is somewhat rare, but is in Uhle’s Perfection Plug Burley and Blend 300.

There’s always more to know about pipe tobacco, and reviewing basic tobaccos and cuts is a good starting point. Now you can even try mixing your own blend--but easy on the perique.

Okay, so Detective Hoffman was really with Jigsaw the whole time….

Twitter: @thepipebit

The Smoking (Hot) Summer

“Should we talk about the weather?”

--R.E.M., “Pop Song ‘89”

Hotter Than Hell

--Kiss CD title

Time’s up, my friends.

It’s June. It’s summer.

In my part of the United States, Wisconsin and the flyover country of the Midwest, summer really begins with a fierce drinking contest called Summerfest. This year’s run is later in June, and will leave the problem of how to dispose of several hundred thousand plastic beer cups…but at least you can smoke there, as it is an outdoor event.

I’ve always been conflicted about summer. Thanks to the invention of life-saving air conditioning, I usually don’t have to deal with the worst of the season’s heat and humidity--but it does run up the electric bill. Thanks to the (sometimes) pleasant weather, clothes and inhibitions are shucked off--but this results, on occasion, in fights and accidents. And then there is the constant presence of frustrating road construction.

Smoking provides a balm to the problems of the season (and any season). But because of humidity and heat, I find my smoking adjusting to the temperature. In oppressive conditions, I find I just don’t want a burning bowl of tobacco next to me, I’m ashamed to say. Somehow, smoking a pipe in the guts of summer’s heat seems too…heavy, too thick. I get over this feeling with air conditioning, happily. But firing up my briar in the back yard, taking a break from mowing the lawn on a 95 degree day? Adding more heat to the damn furnace? Forget it--I’ll take a smoke break in my nice, cool kitchen. Cool off a bit, before going back outside and having the heat and humidity hit me like a wool blanket. (An exception: At an Arab World Festival a few years ago, my long-suffering wife and I rented a hookah, a water pipe from that part of the globe. The smoke from this pipe, coming from a long tube, was cooled by the contraption’s water, and was very enjoyable on a hot day at the lakefront).

Cigarettes are perfect for this season--quick, disposable, no fussing with pipe cleaners and tampers and such. They do not seem too heavy and thick to smoke. And wouldn’t that plastic cup, filled with cold beer, go great with a cig? Adding the cigarette’s smoke to the scents of summer--popcorn, cut grass, fried food, cotton candy, sweat--would be a pleasure, and appropriate, as would be seeing the thin, gray smoke float slowly in the steaming air.

There are some memories from summer that I cherish. I was married on an August day in 1997. In the long-ago 80s, I spent a scorching week at the legendary World Affairs Seminar in Whitewater, Wisconsin. Mostly, though, it’s my least-favorite season, too hot, too sticky, too uncomfortable.

And flip-flops. And tornadoes. And the syrupy days when motivation is smothered by humidity. And groceries expiring in the trunk of the car.

Three more months until autumn, the pipe-smoking season, and sanity--cool sanity.

Aromatic, English and Eggs (Oh My)

Every occupation and subculture, be it medicine or video games, has its own jargon.  Although specialized terms may help a given field's expert to communicate with others, clarity is more useful.  In this spirit, here's the first in an occasional series defining the dreaded pipe tobacco jargon.

The two overall categories for pipe tobacco are Aromatic and English.  Aromatic, strictly, means a pipe tobacco with added flavoring.  English blends have no flavoring added; they rely on the natural taste of the component tobaccos.  So, for example, a cherry-flavored blend is always an Aromatic; and that same blend of tobaccos, minus the cherry or any other added flavors, is an English blend.

As Alton Brown on Good Eats may say, picture two eggs.  Fry the first in a pan (heating is a process, but doesn't add any flavors not already in the egg).  Don't even add butter.  Just fry the egg and eat it plain, to enjoy the pure eggy goodness.  This is an English egg.

But scramble the second egg.  Put in a nice pat of butter and gently mix the egg with some cream and, oh, some shredded Colby-Jack cheese.  And put some chives and a bit of roasted red pepper in, too.  Cook and serve up your Aromatic egg:  The added flavors make this different from your plain old English egg.

The pan used for your eggs stands in for the processing of tobacco.  Pipe tobaccos, depending on type, are dried, steamed, pressed, stoved or undergo many other processes--but the processing of the tobacco has nothing to do with the English or Aromatic quality of the blend; only the flavoring or lack of flavoring makes the difference.

Enjoy your Wild Cherry (Aromatic) or Bishop's Move (English).  And never put an egg in your pipe.  Unless it's hardboiled--but, to again paraphrase Alton Brown, that's another post.

Whatever Happened to the Uhle Tobacco Company?

"It's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there."

                                                                                           --Bob Dylan, "Not Dark Yet"

September, 2031

Las Vegas, Nevada

Dear Paige,

I did indeed work with your mother, Caroline, at Uhle’s in the early part of this century. As you are completing your Master’s degree in American History, I will try to answer your query as to what, exactly, happened to the Uhle Tobacco Company.

Your Mom and I both worked, for a time, at Uhle’s, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She worked in the retail store, upstairs, while I worked downstairs, in the warehouse. But like everyone there at the time, we talked on occasion, and got along well.

One day, in early January of 2010, the topic we talked about was a new bill that had been introduced in the federal House of Representatives, called The Tobacco Tax Parity Act of 2010. This bill was simple: it raised the tax rate of pipe tobacco from $2.8311 to $24.78 a pound. This sounds like accounting-trick bullshit, and it was; but we knew, even at the time, the consequences of this bill passing would be severe for Uhle’s. And it was. Understand, though, many other smokers were upset at the time; a petition was circulated online, and many blogs spread the word about this bill (indeed, the “mainstream media” of the time never did a single story about it). Your grandfather, Jeff, who owned Uhle’s, also put in many hours trying to stop this bill.

The year before, the U.S. Senate had passed a bill to fun a health-insurance program for children, called SCHIP, that raised the tax on roll-your-own cigarette tobacco to, well, $24.78 a pound; and the current bill of “tax parity,” which was H.R. 4439, was meant to address cigarette tobacco being sold under the name (and only in name) of pipe tobacco.

What happened, after the bill passed as part of a large spending bill later in 2010, was that hardly anyone could afford to buy pipe tobacco anymore. Uhle’s soon had to shutter its pipe tobacco department; and soon after that the tax on cigars was raised to this same incredible, prohibitive amount. And that closed the doors of many tobacconists, large and small, including Uhle’s, ending more than 70 years of business.

How could H.R. 4439 have passed? Aside from the foreplay that SCHIP provided, you have to remember that smoking, and smokers, had been demonized for over 50 years. At that time, you could hardly smoke anywhere but in a smokeshop or--if you were lucky and didn’t live in certain apartments--your own home. 2010 was also the year the Wisconsin state smoking ban went into force (right after Independence Day, ironically). Smokers had accepted taxes, limits and personal insults about their habits and enjoyments for a long time; and maybe, but the time that bill came along, they were too tired to fight. But still should have.

The other reason, as I’m sure you have read about in your history books, Paige, was: when this came about it was a very dividing and polarizing time; we were still at the long, gradual end of the Great Recession; two wars were being fought; and many were upset with the government. Democrats blamed Republicans and Republicans blamed Democrats; bitter words were thrown around with great force, and there seemed to be no common ground. In this arena, H.R. 4439 passed with relative ease.

But that was all a long time ago. What I hope you remember about that time was that we at Uhle’s did try to survive, and fought for our survival.

I am a much older man now. As I take my daily walk with my long-suffering wife, taking in the beauty of the fading day, I sometimes think I would like to be puffing on my pipe, on a blend I had made myself. I would puff it was we walked, slow and serene, at peace with my gentle hobby of puffing, the rich smoke perfuming the early evening air. And when we got home, I would place my pipe in my ashtray, where it would wait patiently for the next time I would pass an idle hour. But pipes and tobaccos are gone now.

I do miss my pipe, though. And my tobacco.

I miss the serenity and peace pipe smoking had brought me.

And most of all I miss Uhle’s, and my friends at that long-ago place, that, as Tennyson said of his own companions, had “toiled, and wrought, and thought with me” for so long, and so long ago.

I wish you the best.

I Remain, and in Remembrance,

Chris

Twitter:  @thepipebit

Update on May 25, 2011:  Although H.R. 4439 died without a vote, in February 2011 Senator Tom Harkin introduced Senate 174, which would raise pipe tobacco taxes even higher than 4439.  The efforts to tax all tobacco out of existence will continue. 
The Uhle Tobacco Company, open since 1939, remains in business.

The Curse of The Pipe Smoker

“It smells good in here,” many customers say when they are in the pipe tobacco section of Uhle’s warehouse. The many bulk tobaccos form a pleasing scent, somewhat perfuming the air. I, sadly, don’t notice this anymore as I have been working with pipe tobacco since before Pokemon existed. But the comment does remind me of The Curse of The Pipe Smoker--you can’t smell your blend’s room aroma as you smoke.

This is a unique affliction. Gourmets can have their cake and smell it, too; the baker can enjoy the classic aroma of baking bread; and when cologne or perfume is applied, certainly the wearer can appreciate the scent. Alas, the pipe smoker cannot enjoy the same pleasure while smoking a favorite blend.

Smoking a pipe is surely pleasurable; the flavor of a blend is the main appeal, and this is definitely available for the smoker to savor. So, too, the smoke gently curling from the pipe and the warmth of the bowl in hand. Our tactile, sight and flavor senses are delighted. The poor nose, though, can’t contribute--it’s like hearing your own recorded voice: we know we don’t sound like that, because when we hear our own speaking voice it is through the dense matter of our head (right, some denser than others). Likewise, some physiological switch is tripped and we can’t savor the aroma of our currently-burning blend. We can take pleasure, though, that others in our area may enjoy the fine scent from our briar.

In this respect, pipe smoking becomes something outside the individual. Only bystanders can appreciate the room aroma of what you are smoking in your pipe. Hopefully, they can understand the uniqueness of pipe smoke which does, in fact, smell good--”I love the smell of a pipe” is a phase I’ve heard hundred of times.

And the smoker? It was pipe guru Richard Carleton Hacker who suggested a partial cure to The Curse of The Pipe Smoker: Light your pipe, puff contentedly, then put down your pipe and leave the room for fifteen minutes. On your re-entrance to your den of pipe pleasure, you should be able to enjoy the room aroma of your tobacco. And even better, you can continue smoking.

Twitter: @thepipebit

Similar Machines

Two of my Facebookers have birthdays on May 4.  This is not the only thing they share.

Jason and Rob are both married family guys (NOT Peter Griffin-style).  They both love their wives, work hard, and tend to their properties.  They both enjoy a good pipe or cigar, and both are pros at the Dreaded Social Media.  And they are willing to listen, and give comfort.

Though one lives in Wisconsin and the other in the U.K., they are, like a certain friend they share, similar machines.  Kudos, guys, and happy birthday!

Cherry Wine: Smoking And The 1980s

“We can dance and party all night (all night)

And drink some cherry wine.”

  --Jermaine Stewart, "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off"

"It was a world of wonder and possibility--but it was a tough world, too."

--A River Runs Through It (movie trailer)

When the current times aren’t so great, we tend to--as Watchmen reminded us--tilt towards nostalgia. Those past days, we think, had less problems; we were younger, and life was better and easier. The 90s are coming up in the good-old-days rotation; but before the 80s totally wear out their neon-tinted appeal, here are some of my memories of smoking and the decade of Debbie Gibson:

--Born in 1970, I went through the 80’s as a teenager. That decade started with a vicious recession and President Reagan getting shot. At Lakeview Elementary school, students were summoned to the gym and told the news of the President being shot. A loud, collective gasp came from all of us, echoing in the auditorium. After school in those days, my dad would sometimes play catch with me in our backyard, while he smoked a cigarette.

--My grandfather smoked a pipe; visiting his house in the 80’s, I thought the scent of pipe tobacco was wonderful--rich and exotic.

--Going shopping as a boy with my dad, at the local Kohl’s grocery, I would be pleased to go to the cigarette display and bring him a carton of Kents, sliding the plank-sized carton out of a neat stack. Outside the liquor department were sand-filled ashtrays for the convenience of customers who wished to smoke while they shopped.

--One of my first solo trips to downtown Milwaukee (on the number 15 bus, listening to my cassette Walkman) was in 1982 or ‘83. I wanted to see the new mall, The Grand Avenue. Walking there, after getting off the bus at Water and Wisconsin, I passed Uhle’s. But, since I 1) was just a tender, underage lad and 2) didn’t smoke, Uhle’s didn’t make an impression. What did strike me at that time, though, was the fact that some of my peers had started smoking cigarettes. Each day after junior high (middle school), a group of kids my age would gather at a corner; as I passed, I saw them with cigarettes in their hands, and smelled the gray-blue smoke. And I felt a little sad: didn’t they remember the posters in Health class (“Smoking is very glamorous,” and a black-and-white photo of an ugly old person)? I just didn’t understand the appeal.

--My suburban high school, circa 1986, was, like yours, a psychological slaughterhouse. It was not a John Hughes movie and certainly not Saved By The Bell. During lunch, some students went outside and smoked on school grounds. I think smoking was allowed inside only in the teachers’ lounge. The door of this room was kept closed save for quick entrances and exits by faculty; it was for adults, who could smoke inside if they so wished.

--Oh, and despite watching Hannibal smoke his cigar on The A Team, despite the back covers of many magazines having garish green-and-orange Newport ads, and despite peer pressure, I never had a urge to try smoking in the 80’s, and didn’t smoke.

--In 1988, I started college. Smoking was allowed in the dorms, if your roommate didn’t object. Happily, when I did start smoking early in the 90’s, I lived alone and off-campus.

My 1980’s had much more: I loved music videos, and listened to WKTI on the radio. I wore a jean jacket and wore British Knights sneakers. I saw the heartbreak of the 1982 Brewers and the Super Bowl Shuffle of the 1985 Bears. I learned about AIDS. I wondered who would last longer, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper. I tried the new McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets with Christmas dipping sauces. I listened to what was then called “heavy metal,” Quiet Riot, Metallica, the Scorpions and Twisted Sister. I saw the original Halloween and A Nightmare on Elm Street. But smoking was there, too, in my formative years--not all bad or all good but simply a factor. I could make up my own mind about it.

I wish the generation coming up now, in this decade, could have the same choice.

Another Life

A Guest Post by Lisa D.

“I can feel your love, and your embrace.”

--Britny Fox, “Long Way to Love”

“Listen to your heart, and what your heart might say.”

--Mary Chapin Carpenter, “The Hard Way”

I knew when we first met that Tim smoked; it isn’t that. When he sent me a shot of Sailor Jerry’s a few Saturday nights ago, I saw him puffing away on his cigarette at the bar; he gave me a small mock salute with his rum and Coke. The same hand held his smoldering American Spirit cig.

You know the story after that--he texted me a while after that night and we had lunch at Noodles and Company on Tuesday. We talked about our classes (he’s a Finance major, I’m an International Business major), and life on our University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee campus. He was funny and self-depreciating, and cute. And he didn’t say, when I asked him why he bought me the shot, that I was hot or sexy or some other bullshit--instead, he said that he liked my attitude, that it seemed to set me apart from the other girls there. Which still was probably bullshit, yeah; I knew he found me attractive, but I have to say that it was VERY nice not to hear the usual lines and blah-blah.

We left the restaurant and right away he reached for his smokes, Marlboro reds. He took a pack and a green Bic from his jeans and lit up. He thanked me for seeing him and wanted to go out to the bars with me next weekend. I thanked him, too, and told him I’d send a text later.

I didn’t have a class until later that afternoon, so I went to my apartment. One of my roommates, Brooke, was there, and I told her about lunch, including Tim’s smoking.

“So?” she asked. “I smoke sometimes when I drink.”

“I know, but his seems to be more of a habit.” Brooke nodded and said, “Okay, so he smokes. You aren’t gonna marry him, right?”

I laughed. “Pretty unlikely, we haven’t even hooked up yet, but it--”

“And you can’t really change guys if they don’t want to change. You know that.”

I do know that, but after we talked I thought a lot more about Tim and smoking. He was funny and smart, and didn’t seem to be a douche--no stupid pics on his Facebook page or anything like that. Besides, the semester would be over soon, and we probably wouldn’t see each other after that, maybe, as I live in Wisconsin and he lives in Illinois. Then I thought I was jumping the gun anyway--all that had happened so far was he’d bought me a drink and we had lunch.



But do I really want to get involved with a smoker? On Thursday he sent me a text that had a pic of him in that downtown cigar store, and he was smoking like an old-fashioned wood pipe! I admit it kind of looked cool, but now I know Tim smokes both cigarettes and a pipe. I didn’t know how much it bothered me. Or even if it should bother me. I don’t smoke, but I’m not Sally Goodgirl either, I do drink and I like guys, and I can cut loose swearing with the best.

Then too, maybe I also find the fact that he smokes a little bad-boyish. Bad boys usually turn out to be complete assholes, but I don’t think Tim is like that. He’s nice, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s cute. And he smokes.

So that is why I’ve asked Chris to post this here, to see if I can get some advice about dating a smoker. Should I let it bother me? Is it a deal-breaker for you if someone you’re interested in smokes? Should it matter much, or not at all?

The weekend is coming up, and I should text Tim. I would like to see him again.

I’ve got a lot to think about.

　

Las Vegas: The Red Piano, The Empty Pipe

A few years ago, Sir Elton John did a series of shows in Las Vegas called The Red Piano.  One poster for this presentation showed a nattily-clad John standing near said piano, situated in the mountains that border some of Vegas. The shot was taken at dusk, almost night, and the lights of The Strip glowed far below him.

That poster encapsulates, oddly enough, how I once felt as a pipe smoker in Vegas.

On my third trip to Vegas, in 2003, I packed some pipe tobacco in addition to my usual stash of cigars (sticks being of outrageous markup in Vegas). My pipes were left at home because I was afraid they would break in transit. But no problem; I’d buy a pipe when I got there.

After a few days of decadence, debauchery and smoking my Punch Chateau L double maduros, I missed the peace and reflection brought by smoking a pipe. My long-suffering wife and I went to the high-end cigar store in a neighboring hotel, knowing this well-known tobacconist would have a variety of pipes for sale. There, I found out that pipes weren’t carried at that location, only cigars.

Their loss! We simply trammed over to another hotel’s smokeshop, one whose name, happily, was synonymous with fine pipes.

Which they did not have.

The next day, my long-suffering wife consented to go with me on a pipe hunt. And I finally did find one briar for sale on The Strip--one, as in the number of lifeboats that came back for Rose in Titanic. The retailer that offered it mostly sold cigars and a few pipe tobaccos; the solitary briar was a couple hundred dollars, and had an oxidized stem. I passed on it, then took my last shot, a sure bet: I went to the Walgreeen’s across the street to buy a corn cob pipe.

They were sold out of corn cobs.

I could have gone further off The Strip to a genuine smokeshop; but as a tourist, The Strip was Las Vegas to me. So I went without a pipe the entire trip.

The reason for the pipeless Strip, I’ve been told, had to do with the concern of casinos regarding gamblers using mirrored pipes to cheat at cards, or some such piffle. The real reason, I think, is more complicated. I love going to Vegas; it’s an adult playground, and I feel a real sense of freedom and possibility (as a tourist is supposed to). The constant activity and variety, while exciting, does not really inspire reflection and thought at the time. A smoking pipe is built for thought, nuance and reflection--unlike Las Vegas. Maybe, as Wordsworth would have noted, Vegas is best reflected on after a trip there, in solace and quiet, with a pipe.

And that is how I once felt like Elton John in that poster: isolated but surrounded, outside the city but part of it. And the next time I went to Vegas, I made sure to bring along a pipe. And more cigars.

Las Vegas is not a pipe smoking town;

Cigarettes and cigars spin wheels around;

Instead of briars, different thorns abound.

Las Vegas is not a pipe smoking town.

Dungeon Master Gurls

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Team Unicorn, "Geek and Gamer Girls"

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Video Game Review: Pipeman Calabashi! Dark Twist Arena

                   Xbox 360 and Playstation 3, $59.95 (Collectors Edition $69.95) Rating:  M


The latest edition of Pipeman Calabashi! was released last Tuesday.  Going back to the NES, this pipe-smoking simulation has a long history and varied quality; but the series debut on next-gen hardware revitalizes the franchise.  The last installment, Pipeman Calabashi!  Tobacco Moon, was a farming sim, and a bit clumsy to play on the Playstation 2 and original Xbox.  Now, the series has gone back to its roots as a faithful sim.  Calabashi is on a quest to find the perfect pipe tobacco blend--if he can defeat the challenges on his quest.

I'm also glad to report that for the first time in the series, you can choose the preference of your player:  English or Aromatic.  Your choice of tobacco impacts the cut-scene dialog, as in an early chat with Pipemama, your guide through the game.  If you're playing as Aromatic, she comments, "The smoking tobacco is rich and sweet!"  Choose to be an English smoker, and she holds her nose, fans the air and exclaims, "That Latakia tobacco is like a campfire!"

Character creation, in addition to Aromatic or English blends, includes customizable pipes (finish, length, bent or straight, Lucite or Vulcanite stem), lighters, and pouches.  While your starting blend is a basic ribbon Burley or mild Cavendish, you of course can gather blending recipes throughout the game.  Matches count as health points, with a penalty for burning holes in your shirt.  The open "sandbox" world is the real joy; for example, some tobacco plants can be found growing wild, and you can dry, cure and flavor your found tobacco in addition to creating your own blends.

The collecting elements in the Calabashi series are preserved here.  This time, there are over 75 hidden tobacco tins to discover in the game world, from MacBaren to G.L. Pease to Dunhill to Butera.  Older gamers will appreciate a tin of the original Balkan Sobranie.

When Calabashi finally reaches the Dark Twist Arena, he has to concoct the perfect tobacco blend.  It's quite an end battle, involving humidity, dried-out tobaccos and a goopy Black Cavendish.  With enough grinding, though, Calabashi will have enough XP to be the victor.

The online component, on the PSN and Xbox Live network, consists of the usual multi-player mode but also includes a pipe smoking contest for up to eight players.  Also available are DLC like Perique (fermenting is not an available in-game skill), and custom skins for the pipe tampers.

It's great to see Calabashi make the leap to the next-gen consoles.  Most gamers will take about 40 hours to complete the main quest, but afterwards there are still blends to experiment with and pipes to clean.

Fire up your briar and kick back with the new Pipeman Calabashi!  Dark Twist Arena.  I will, of course, be producing a tie-in blend as a cross-promotion for the Collector's Edition.

The Clouds Are Made Of Smoke

Dedicated to my U.K. pipe geeks @Gumley, @SamNewell, @Jarik73 and @NomisSilloc.  Thanks and Cheers, gentlemen.

Yes, there was smoking on Star Trek (the series, not the recent movie). In TNG, Data was shown smoking a pipe as Sherlock Holmes, and Riker and Picard were gifted with cigars by Q (which they didn’t seem to appreciate). On DS9, Worf enjoyed a cigar on the holodeck, and on Voyager there was a brief appearance of a cigarette in an early episode--which a character, Tom Paris, promptly condemned. And may I say Bones would have been a perfect pipe smoker, and Captain Sisko, too.

But tobacco is not really a factor in Star Trek. Nor is the franchise alone in seeing a future without smoking--with a few exceptions, most sci-fi ignores or viciously rips any and all tobacco use.
Those exceptions are notable, though. The leader of the resistance in Demolition Man is heads a pro-freedom group who, forced underground by the health-crazy surface world, proudly advocates red meat, sex, and smoking. Westworld participants enjoyed cigars and the unfortunate crew in Alien smoked cigarettes. In comics, Transmetropolitan’s main character smoked in almost every panel. And Wolverine and Nick Fury are known to enjoy a cigar.

All of these later examples feature, to some degree, a dystopia--a very imperfect, un-Star Trek-like universe. Hopelessness and strife abound in these alternate realities, totally unlike today’s world (ba-dum-tssh). This may explain why smoking is “allowed” in these creations. Smoking also creates, in some cases, a “noir” atmosphere reminiscent of classic films.

Confining smoking to these dystopias is a disservice, at least. In the realms of fantasy, J.R.R. Tolkien--a pipe smoker--created the immortal, “pipe weed”-loving Hobbits, sustained by that substance on their long quest to vanquish evil. Smoking is such a vital part of this epic that even the recent film versions of the trilogy kept the pipe use intact. And as a whole, the genre of fantasy seems to give smoking a much fairer shake than science fiction.

I know that sci-fi has a better imagination, more creativity, than to limit smoking to dystopias or bitter vitriol. The long history of sci-fi is one of tolerance of differences and a lust for new horizons. Surely, the creators and innovators of this noble genre can see a new place in their works for smoking, instead of the tired negativisms of the past.

So there could be smoking at Quark’s bar, to relax, to invite friendship, and to give solace to those minds forever voyaging.
Twitter: @thepipebit
　

Tony Montana: Goodnight to the Good Guy

                              "You never know, that dishwasher could be a beholder."
                                                                                     --Rick Ross, "Push It"

Antonio Montana--Tony to all--will be retiring from the Uhle Tobacco Company at the end of this week.  In his 31 years of work there, he has done it all---the store, the warehouse, shipping and receiving, tobacco blending, even some bookkeeping.  In everything, his diligence came through--we could all depend on Tony Montana.

A Cuban native, Tony first came to Milwaukee in 1980.  He was part of the Muriel Harbor boatlift, though he rarely talks about his younger life; he had, as all of us do to some extent, a reckless youth, and put it behind him.  Through a friend of his, he came to Milwaukee from Miami, even though "I had other paths open and things, you know.  But I just wanted to try something new in the land of opportunity."


When Tony first started at Uhle's, the country was in a recession, as it is now.  His outlook, though, never wavered:  "You work hard, you earn it.  Though I have to say the bankers had better interest rates back then," he said with a chuckle.  And he remains optimistic about the current tough economy:  "Just keep at it, keep moving product.  You don't have to break your back, but you go to stay loyal--to your suppliers, and especially your customers."

He credits Uhle's with his sense of thrift.  "I never owned a house.  What do I need all that room for?  I don't need some fancy staircase or a statue.  I learned to be happy with what got."

Like all of us, he wasn't above temptation:  "I think everybody wonders 'what if.'  If I had stayed in Miami, I don't know if I would have been happy."  But instead of wanted the world, he made peace with his decisions:  "It's, you know, the people around you that matter.  I learned that here.   For a while, I thought I couldn't change, that I wanted too much.  But I learned to be happy."

He's not happy, however, about the restrictions on smoking that he has witnessed over his long career.  "It reminds me too much of The Beard," he said, referencing Fidel Castro.  "Restrictions everywhere.  Telling you what to think, what to feel.  For me, smoking is part of the freedom of this country, and it's really sad to see it turned into something people think is bad."

He leaves Uhle's happy, though.  "I have changed for the better.  I have made friends and overcame my past.  It was being here that caused me to be a success.  I made it."  I wanted to ask him if "here" meant this country or Uhle's, but he of course had been called away to help someone.

Thanks, Tony.  When we see you leave Uhle's at the end of this week, we know it is the last time we'll ever see a good guy like you.
Twitter:  @thepipebit

Mr. B, "Let Me Smoke My Pipe"

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St. Patrick's Day 2010 at Uhle Tobacco

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What We Talk About When We Talk About Pipes

Poor Prince Albert.  He's been in the can for 90 years.

Now that the oldest pipe tobacco joke in history is out of the way, welcome to The Pipe Bit, a blog about pipe-smoking, life, and geekery.  As for "what gives you the right to another damn blog," well, aside from the First Amendment, I have been the pipe tobacconist at Uhle Tobacco in Milwaukee since 1994, before most of you were born.

Uhle's has been in business since 1939, definitely before most of you were born, and is one of the six U.S. businesses that survived the economic collapse of 2008.  As an employee there, I have learned much about pipes and tobaccos (and cigars), and know I have a lot to learn.

Uhle's has two layers in its physical plant.  The main upstairs floor is the retail store.  Downstairs are the offices and the warehouse, a windowless cavern only one cement wall away from the Milwaukee River.  I work in the warehouse, where the I make the Uhle tobacco blends.  And also several custom mixes, shipped to customers worldwide.

On the writing cred front, such as it is, I had a column for the long-gone Uhle's newsletter, which was "printed" on "paper."  And back in the mists of time, I posted on the legendary alt.smokers.pipes newsgroup, helping a gentleman called A Sophisticate Like Myself get his thoughts together.

What we talk about when we talk about pipes is the shared--your grandfather, I daresay, smoked a pipe--and the individual, such as a favorite pipe tobacco blend.  What influences us, and and how we think and act and smoke (and knowing Voyager was, of course, the best of the Star Trek series)...that's The Pipe Bit.
Twitter: @thepipebit