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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Cherry Wine: Smoking And The 1980s

“We can dance and party all night (all night)

And drink some cherry wine.”
  --Jermaine Stewart, "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off"

"It was a world of wonder and possibility--but it was a tough world, too."
--A River Runs Through It (movie trailer)

When the current times aren’t so great, we tend to--as Watchmen reminded us--tilt towards nostalgia. Those past days, we think, had less problems; we were younger, and life was better and easier. The 90s are coming up in the good-old-days rotation; but before the 80s totally wear out their neon-tinted appeal, here are some of my memories of smoking and the decade of Debbie Gibson:

--Born in 1970, I went through the 80’s as a teenager. That decade started with a vicious recession and President Reagan getting shot. At Lakeview Elementary school, students were summoned to the gym and told the news of the President being shot. A loud, collective gasp came from all of us, echoing in the auditorium. After school in those days, my dad would sometimes play catch with me in our backyard, while he smoked a cigarette.

--My grandfather smoked a pipe; visiting his house in the 80’s, I thought the scent of pipe tobacco was wonderful--rich and exotic.

--Going shopping as a boy with my dad, at the local Kohl’s grocery, I would be pleased to go to the cigarette display and bring him a carton of Kents, sliding the plank-sized carton out of a neat stack. Outside the liquor department were sand-filled ashtrays for the convenience of customers who wished to smoke while they shopped.

--One of my first solo trips to downtown Milwaukee (on the number 15 bus, listening to my cassette Walkman) was in 1982 or ‘83. I wanted to see the new mall, The Grand Avenue. Walking there, after getting off the bus at Water and Wisconsin, I passed Uhle’s. But, since I 1) was just a tender, underage lad and 2) didn’t smoke, Uhle’s didn’t make an impression. What did strike me at that time, though, was the fact that some of my peers had started smoking cigarettes. Each day after junior high (middle school), a group of kids my age would gather at a corner; as I passed, I saw them with cigarettes in their hands, and smelled the gray-blue smoke. And I felt a little sad: didn’t they remember the posters in Health class (“Smoking is very glamorous,” and a black-and-white photo of an ugly old person)? I just didn’t understand the appeal.

--My suburban high school, circa 1986, was, like yours, a psychological slaughterhouse. It was not a John Hughes movie and certainly not Saved By The Bell. During lunch, some students went outside and smoked on school grounds. I think smoking was allowed inside only in the teachers’ lounge. The door of this room was kept closed save for quick entrances and exits by faculty; it was for adults, who could smoke inside if they so wished.

--Oh, and despite watching Hannibal smoke his cigar on The A Team, despite the back covers of many magazines having garish green-and-orange Newport ads, and despite peer pressure, I never had a urge to try smoking in the 80’s, and didn’t smoke.

--In 1988, I started college. Smoking was allowed in the dorms, if your roommate didn’t object. Happily, when I did start smoking early in the 90’s, I lived alone and off-campus.

My 1980’s had much more: I loved music videos, and listened to WKTI on the radio. I wore a jean jacket and wore British Knights sneakers. I saw the heartbreak of the 1982 Brewers and the Super Bowl Shuffle of the 1985 Bears. I learned about AIDS. I wondered who would last longer, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper. I tried the new McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets with Christmas dipping sauces. I listened to what was then called “heavy metal,” Quiet Riot, Metallica, the Scorpions and Twisted Sister. I saw the original Halloween and A Nightmare on Elm Street. But smoking was there, too, in my formative years--not all bad or all good but simply a factor. I could make up my own mind about it.

I wish the generation coming up now, in this decade, could have the same choice.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Another Life




A Guest Post by Lisa D.

“I can feel your love, and your embrace.”

--Britny Fox, “Long Way to Love”


“Listen to your heart, and what your heart might say.”

--Mary Chapin Carpenter, “The Hard Way”


I knew when we first met that Tim smoked; it isn’t that. When he sent me a shot of Sailor Jerry’s a few Saturday nights ago, I saw him puffing away on his cigarette at the bar; he gave me a small mock salute with his rum and Coke. The same hand held his smoldering American Spirit cig.

You know the story after that--he texted me a while after that night and we had lunch at Noodles and Company on Tuesday. We talked about our classes (he’s a Finance major, I’m an International Business major), and life on our University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee campus. He was funny and self-depreciating, and cute. And he didn’t say, when I asked him why he bought me the shot, that I was hot or sexy or some other bullshit--instead, he said that he liked my attitude, that it seemed to set me apart from the other girls there. Which still was probably bullshit, yeah; I knew he found me attractive, but I have to say that it was VERY nice not to hear the usual lines and blah-blah.

We left the restaurant and right away he reached for his smokes, Marlboro reds. He took a pack and a green Bic from his jeans and lit up. He thanked me for seeing him and wanted to go out to the bars with me next weekend. I thanked him, too, and told him I’d send a text later.

I didn’t have a class until later that afternoon, so I went to my apartment. One of my roommates, Brooke, was there, and I told her about lunch, including Tim’s smoking.

“So?” she asked. “I smoke sometimes when I drink.”

“I know, but his seems to be more of a habit.” Brooke nodded and said, “Okay, so he smokes. You aren’t gonna marry him, right?”

I laughed. “Pretty unlikely, we haven’t even hooked up yet, but it--”

“And you can’t really change guys if they don’t want to change. You know that.”

I do know that, but after we talked I thought a lot more about Tim and smoking. He was funny and smart, and didn’t seem to be a douche--no stupid pics on his Facebook page or anything like that. Besides, the semester would be over soon, and we probably wouldn’t see each other after that, maybe, as I live in Wisconsin and he lives in Illinois. Then I thought I was jumping the gun anyway--all that had happened so far was he’d bought me a drink and we had lunch.



But do I really want to get involved with a smoker? On Thursday he sent me a text that had a pic of him in that downtown cigar store, and he was smoking like an old-fashioned wood pipe! I admit it kind of looked cool, but now I know Tim smokes both cigarettes and a pipe. I didn’t know how much it bothered me. Or even if it should bother me. I don’t smoke, but I’m not Sally Goodgirl either, I do drink and I like guys, and I can cut loose swearing with the best.

Then too, maybe I also find the fact that he smokes a little bad-boyish. Bad boys usually turn out to be complete assholes, but I don’t think Tim is like that. He’s nice, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s cute. And he smokes.

So that is why I’ve asked Chris to post this here, to see if I can get some advice about dating a smoker. Should I let it bother me? Is it a deal-breaker for you if someone you’re interested in smokes? Should it matter much, or not at all?

The weekend is coming up, and I should text Tim. I would like to see him again.

I’ve got a lot to think about.

 

Friday, April 15, 2011

Las Vegas: The Red Piano, The Empty Pipe

A few years ago, Sir Elton John did a series of shows in Las Vegas called The Red Piano.  One poster for this presentation showed a nattily-clad John standing near said piano, situated in the mountains that border some of Vegas. The shot was taken at dusk, almost night, and the lights of The Strip glowed far below him.

That poster encapsulates, oddly enough, how I once felt as a pipe smoker in Vegas.

On my third trip to Vegas, in 2003, I packed some pipe tobacco in addition to my usual stash of cigars (sticks being of outrageous markup in Vegas). My pipes were left at home because I was afraid they would break in transit. But no problem; I’d buy a pipe when I got there.

After a few days of decadence, debauchery and smoking my Punch Chateau L double maduros, I missed the peace and reflection brought by smoking a pipe. My long-suffering wife and I went to the high-end cigar store in a neighboring hotel, knowing this well-known tobacconist would have a variety of pipes for sale. There, I found out that pipes weren’t carried at that location, only cigars.

Their loss! We simply trammed over to another hotel’s smokeshop, one whose name, happily, was synonymous with fine pipes.

Which they did not have.

The next day, my long-suffering wife consented to go with me on a pipe hunt. And I finally did find one briar for sale on The Strip--one, as in the number of lifeboats that came back for Rose in Titanic. The retailer that offered it mostly sold cigars and a few pipe tobaccos; the solitary briar was a couple hundred dollars, and had an oxidized stem. I passed on it, then took my last shot, a sure bet: I went to the Walgreeen’s across the street to buy a corn cob pipe.

They were sold out of corn cobs.

I could have gone further off The Strip to a genuine smokeshop; but as a tourist, The Strip was Las Vegas to me. So I went without a pipe the entire trip.

The reason for the pipeless Strip, I’ve been told, had to do with the concern of casinos regarding gamblers using mirrored pipes to cheat at cards, or some such piffle. The real reason, I think, is more complicated. I love going to Vegas; it’s an adult playground, and I feel a real sense of freedom and possibility (as a tourist is supposed to). The constant activity and variety, while exciting, does not really inspire reflection and thought at the time. A smoking pipe is built for thought, nuance and reflection--unlike Las Vegas. Maybe, as Wordsworth would have noted, Vegas is best reflected on after a trip there, in solace and quiet, with a pipe.

And that is how I once felt like Elton John in that poster: isolated but surrounded, outside the city but part of it. And the next time I went to Vegas, I made sure to bring along a pipe. And more cigars.

Las Vegas is not a pipe smoking town;

Cigarettes and cigars spin wheels around;

Instead of briars, different thorns abound.

Las Vegas is not a pipe smoking town.

Dungeon Master Gurls

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Team Unicorn, "Geek and Gamer Girls"

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Video Game Review: Pipeman Calabashi! Dark Twist Arena

                   Xbox 360 and Playstation 3, $59.95 (Collectors Edition $69.95) Rating:  M


The latest edition of Pipeman Calabashi! was released last Tuesday.  Going back to the NES, this pipe-smoking simulation has a long history and varied quality; but the series debut on next-gen hardware revitalizes the franchise.  The last installment, Pipeman Calabashi!  Tobacco Moon, was a farming sim, and a bit clumsy to play on the Playstation 2 and original Xbox.  Now, the series has gone back to its roots as a faithful sim.  Calabashi is on a quest to find the perfect pipe tobacco blend--if he can defeat the challenges on his quest.

I'm also glad to report that for the first time in the series, you can choose the preference of your player:  English or Aromatic.  Your choice of tobacco impacts the cut-scene dialog, as in an early chat with Pipemama, your guide through the game.  If you're playing as Aromatic, she comments, "The smoking tobacco is rich and sweet!"  Choose to be an English smoker, and she holds her nose, fans the air and exclaims, "That Latakia tobacco is like a campfire!"

Character creation, in addition to Aromatic or English blends, includes customizable pipes (finish, length, bent or straight, Lucite or Vulcanite stem), lighters, and pouches.  While your starting blend is a basic ribbon Burley or mild Cavendish, you of course can gather blending recipes throughout the game.  Matches count as health points, with a penalty for burning holes in your shirt.  The open "sandbox" world is the real joy; for example, some tobacco plants can be found growing wild, and you can dry, cure and flavor your found tobacco in addition to creating your own blends.

The collecting elements in the Calabashi series are preserved here.  This time, there are over 75 hidden tobacco tins to discover in the game world, from MacBaren to G.L. Pease to Dunhill to Butera.  Older gamers will appreciate a tin of the original Balkan Sobranie.

When Calabashi finally reaches the Dark Twist Arena, he has to concoct the perfect tobacco blend.  It's quite an end battle, involving humidity, dried-out tobaccos and a goopy Black Cavendish.  With enough grinding, though, Calabashi will have enough XP to be the victor.

The online component, on the PSN and Xbox Live network, consists of the usual multi-player mode but also includes a pipe smoking contest for up to eight players.  Also available are DLC like Perique (fermenting is not an available in-game skill), and custom skins for the pipe tampers.

It's great to see Calabashi make the leap to the next-gen consoles.  Most gamers will take about 40 hours to complete the main quest, but afterwards there are still blends to experiment with and pipes to clean.

Fire up your briar and kick back with the new Pipeman Calabashi!  Dark Twist Arena.  I will, of course, be producing a tie-in blend as a cross-promotion for the Collector's Edition.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Clouds Are Made Of Smoke

Dedicated to my U.K. pipe geeks @Gumley, @SamNewell, @Jarik73 and @NomisSilloc.  Thanks and Cheers, gentlemen.

Yes, there was smoking on Star Trek (the series, not the recent movie). In TNG, Data was shown smoking a pipe as Sherlock Holmes, and Riker and Picard were gifted with cigars by Q (which they didn’t seem to appreciate). On DS9, Worf enjoyed a cigar on the holodeck, and on Voyager there was a brief appearance of a cigarette in an early episode--which a character, Tom Paris, promptly condemned. And may I say Bones would have been a perfect pipe smoker, and Captain Sisko, too.

But tobacco is not really a factor in Star Trek. Nor is the franchise alone in seeing a future without smoking--with a few exceptions, most sci-fi ignores or viciously rips any and all tobacco use.
Those exceptions are notable, though. The leader of the resistance in Demolition Man is heads a pro-freedom group who, forced underground by the health-crazy surface world, proudly advocates red meat, sex, and smoking. Westworld participants enjoyed cigars and the unfortunate crew in Alien smoked cigarettes. In comics, Transmetropolitan’s main character smoked in almost every panel. And Wolverine and Nick Fury are known to enjoy a cigar.

All of these later examples feature, to some degree, a dystopia--a very imperfect, un-Star Trek-like universe. Hopelessness and strife abound in these alternate realities, totally unlike today’s world (ba-dum-tssh). This may explain why smoking is “allowed” in these creations. Smoking also creates, in some cases, a “noir” atmosphere reminiscent of classic films.

Confining smoking to these dystopias is a disservice, at least. In the realms of fantasy, J.R.R. Tolkien--a pipe smoker--created the immortal, “pipe weed”-loving Hobbits, sustained by that substance on their long quest to vanquish evil. Smoking is such a vital part of this epic that even the recent film versions of the trilogy kept the pipe use intact. And as a whole, the genre of fantasy seems to give smoking a much fairer shake than science fiction.

I know that sci-fi has a better imagination, more creativity, than to limit smoking to dystopias or bitter vitriol. The long history of sci-fi is one of tolerance of differences and a lust for new horizons. Surely, the creators and innovators of this noble genre can see a new place in their works for smoking, instead of the tired negativisms of the past.

So there could be smoking at Quark’s bar, to relax, to invite friendship, and to give solace to those minds forever voyaging.
Twitter: @thepipebit
 

Tony Montana: Goodnight to the Good Guy

                              "You never know, that dishwasher could be a beholder."
                                                                                     --Rick Ross, "Push It"

Antonio Montana--Tony to all--will be retiring from the Uhle Tobacco Company at the end of this week.  In his 31 years of work there, he has done it all---the store, the warehouse, shipping and receiving, tobacco blending, even some bookkeeping.  In everything, his diligence came through--we could all depend on Tony Montana.

A Cuban native, Tony first came to Milwaukee in 1980.  He was part of the Muriel Harbor boatlift, though he rarely talks about his younger life; he had, as all of us do to some extent, a reckless youth, and put it behind him.  Through a friend of his, he came to Milwaukee from Miami, even though "I had other paths open and things, you know.  But I just wanted to try something new in the land of opportunity."


When Tony first started at Uhle's, the country was in a recession, as it is now.  His outlook, though, never wavered:  "You work hard, you earn it.  Though I have to say the bankers had better interest rates back then," he said with a chuckle.  And he remains optimistic about the current tough economy:  "Just keep at it, keep moving product.  You don't have to break your back, but you go to stay loyal--to your suppliers, and especially your customers."

He credits Uhle's with his sense of thrift.  "I never owned a house.  What do I need all that room for?  I don't need some fancy staircase or a statue.  I learned to be happy with what got."

Like all of us, he wasn't above temptation:  "I think everybody wonders 'what if.'  If I had stayed in Miami, I don't know if I would have been happy."  But instead of wanted the world, he made peace with his decisions:  "It's, you know, the people around you that matter.  I learned that here.   For a while, I thought I couldn't change, that I wanted too much.  But I learned to be happy."

He's not happy, however, about the restrictions on smoking that he has witnessed over his long career.  "It reminds me too much of The Beard," he said, referencing Fidel Castro.  "Restrictions everywhere.  Telling you what to think, what to feel.  For me, smoking is part of the freedom of this country, and it's really sad to see it turned into something people think is bad."

He leaves Uhle's happy, though.  "I have changed for the better.  I have made friends and overcame my past.  It was being here that caused me to be a success.  I made it."  I wanted to ask him if "here" meant this country or Uhle's, but he of course had been called away to help someone.

Thanks, Tony.  When we see you leave Uhle's at the end of this week, we know it is the last time we'll ever see a good guy like you.
Twitter:  @thepipebit

Mr. B, "Let Me Smoke My Pipe"

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St. Patrick's Day 2010 at Uhle Tobacco

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What We Talk About When We Talk About Pipes

Poor Prince Albert.  He's been in the can for 90 years.

Now that the oldest pipe tobacco joke in history is out of the way, welcome to The Pipe Bit, a blog about pipe-smoking, life, and geekery.  As for "what gives you the right to another damn blog," well, aside from the First Amendment, I have been the pipe tobacconist at Uhle Tobacco in Milwaukee since 1994, before most of you were born.

Uhle's has been in business since 1939, definitely before most of you were born, and is one of the six U.S. businesses that survived the economic collapse of 2008.  As an employee there, I have learned much about pipes and tobaccos (and cigars), and know I have a lot to learn.

Uhle's has two layers in its physical plant.  The main upstairs floor is the retail store.  Downstairs are the offices and the warehouse, a windowless cavern only one cement wall away from the Milwaukee River.  I work in the warehouse, where the I make the Uhle tobacco blends.  And also several custom mixes, shipped to customers worldwide.

On the writing cred front, such as it is, I had a column for the long-gone Uhle's newsletter, which was "printed" on "paper."  And back in the mists of time, I posted on the legendary alt.smokers.pipes newsgroup, helping a gentleman called A Sophisticate Like Myself get his thoughts together.

What we talk about when we talk about pipes is the shared--your grandfather, I daresay, smoked a pipe--and the individual, such as a favorite pipe tobacco blend.  What influences us, and and how we think and act and smoke (and knowing Voyager was, of course, the best of the Star Trek series)...that's The Pipe Bit.
Twitter: @thepipebit