The Smoking (Hot) Summer

“Should we talk about the weather?”

--R.E.M., “Pop Song ‘89”

Hotter Than Hell

--Kiss CD title

Time’s up, my friends.

It’s June. It’s summer.

In my part of the United States, Wisconsin and the flyover country of the Midwest, summer really begins with a fierce drinking contest called Summerfest. This year’s run is later in June, and will leave the problem of how to dispose of several hundred thousand plastic beer cups…but at least you can smoke there, as it is an outdoor event.

I’ve always been conflicted about summer. Thanks to the invention of life-saving air conditioning, I usually don’t have to deal with the worst of the season’s heat and humidity--but it does run up the electric bill. Thanks to the (sometimes) pleasant weather, clothes and inhibitions are shucked off--but this results, on occasion, in fights and accidents. And then there is the constant presence of frustrating road construction.

Smoking provides a balm to the problems of the season (and any season). But because of humidity and heat, I find my smoking adjusting to the temperature. In oppressive conditions, I find I just don’t want a burning bowl of tobacco next to me, I’m ashamed to say. Somehow, smoking a pipe in the guts of summer’s heat seems too…heavy, too thick. I get over this feeling with air conditioning, happily. But firing up my briar in the back yard, taking a break from mowing the lawn on a 95 degree day? Adding more heat to the damn furnace? Forget it--I’ll take a smoke break in my nice, cool kitchen. Cool off a bit, before going back outside and having the heat and humidity hit me like a wool blanket. (An exception: At an Arab World Festival a few years ago, my long-suffering wife and I rented a hookah, a water pipe from that part of the globe. The smoke from this pipe, coming from a long tube, was cooled by the contraption’s water, and was very enjoyable on a hot day at the lakefront).

Cigarettes are perfect for this season--quick, disposable, no fussing with pipe cleaners and tampers and such. They do not seem too heavy and thick to smoke. And wouldn’t that plastic cup, filled with cold beer, go great with a cig? Adding the cigarette’s smoke to the scents of summer--popcorn, cut grass, fried food, cotton candy, sweat--would be a pleasure, and appropriate, as would be seeing the thin, gray smoke float slowly in the steaming air.

There are some memories from summer that I cherish. I was married on an August day in 1997. In the long-ago 80s, I spent a scorching week at the legendary World Affairs Seminar in Whitewater, Wisconsin. Mostly, though, it’s my least-favorite season, too hot, too sticky, too uncomfortable.

And flip-flops. And tornadoes. And the syrupy days when motivation is smothered by humidity. And groceries expiring in the trunk of the car.

Three more months until autumn, the pipe-smoking season, and sanity--cool sanity.

Aromatic, English and Eggs (Oh My)

Every occupation and subculture, be it medicine or video games, has its own jargon.  Although specialized terms may help a given field's expert to communicate with others, clarity is more useful.  In this spirit, here's the first in an occasional series defining the dreaded pipe tobacco jargon.

The two overall categories for pipe tobacco are Aromatic and English.  Aromatic, strictly, means a pipe tobacco with added flavoring.  English blends have no flavoring added; they rely on the natural taste of the component tobaccos.  So, for example, a cherry-flavored blend is always an Aromatic; and that same blend of tobaccos, minus the cherry or any other added flavors, is an English blend.

As Alton Brown on Good Eats may say, picture two eggs.  Fry the first in a pan (heating is a process, but doesn't add any flavors not already in the egg).  Don't even add butter.  Just fry the egg and eat it plain, to enjoy the pure eggy goodness.  This is an English egg.

But scramble the second egg.  Put in a nice pat of butter and gently mix the egg with some cream and, oh, some shredded Colby-Jack cheese.  And put some chives and a bit of roasted red pepper in, too.  Cook and serve up your Aromatic egg:  The added flavors make this different from your plain old English egg.

The pan used for your eggs stands in for the processing of tobacco.  Pipe tobaccos, depending on type, are dried, steamed, pressed, stoved or undergo many other processes--but the processing of the tobacco has nothing to do with the English or Aromatic quality of the blend; only the flavoring or lack of flavoring makes the difference.

Enjoy your Wild Cherry (Aromatic) or Bishop's Move (English).  And never put an egg in your pipe.  Unless it's hardboiled--but, to again paraphrase Alton Brown, that's another post.

Whatever Happened to the Uhle Tobacco Company?

"It's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there."

                                                                                           --Bob Dylan, "Not Dark Yet"

September, 2031

Las Vegas, Nevada

Dear Paige,

I did indeed work with your mother, Caroline, at Uhle’s in the early part of this century. As you are completing your Master’s degree in American History, I will try to answer your query as to what, exactly, happened to the Uhle Tobacco Company.

Your Mom and I both worked, for a time, at Uhle’s, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She worked in the retail store, upstairs, while I worked downstairs, in the warehouse. But like everyone there at the time, we talked on occasion, and got along well.

One day, in early January of 2010, the topic we talked about was a new bill that had been introduced in the federal House of Representatives, called The Tobacco Tax Parity Act of 2010. This bill was simple: it raised the tax rate of pipe tobacco from $2.8311 to $24.78 a pound. This sounds like accounting-trick bullshit, and it was; but we knew, even at the time, the consequences of this bill passing would be severe for Uhle’s. And it was. Understand, though, many other smokers were upset at the time; a petition was circulated online, and many blogs spread the word about this bill (indeed, the “mainstream media” of the time never did a single story about it). Your grandfather, Jeff, who owned Uhle’s, also put in many hours trying to stop this bill.

The year before, the U.S. Senate had passed a bill to fun a health-insurance program for children, called SCHIP, that raised the tax on roll-your-own cigarette tobacco to, well, $24.78 a pound; and the current bill of “tax parity,” which was H.R. 4439, was meant to address cigarette tobacco being sold under the name (and only in name) of pipe tobacco.

What happened, after the bill passed as part of a large spending bill later in 2010, was that hardly anyone could afford to buy pipe tobacco anymore. Uhle’s soon had to shutter its pipe tobacco department; and soon after that the tax on cigars was raised to this same incredible, prohibitive amount. And that closed the doors of many tobacconists, large and small, including Uhle’s, ending more than 70 years of business.

How could H.R. 4439 have passed? Aside from the foreplay that SCHIP provided, you have to remember that smoking, and smokers, had been demonized for over 50 years. At that time, you could hardly smoke anywhere but in a smokeshop or--if you were lucky and didn’t live in certain apartments--your own home. 2010 was also the year the Wisconsin state smoking ban went into force (right after Independence Day, ironically). Smokers had accepted taxes, limits and personal insults about their habits and enjoyments for a long time; and maybe, but the time that bill came along, they were too tired to fight. But still should have.

The other reason, as I’m sure you have read about in your history books, Paige, was: when this came about it was a very dividing and polarizing time; we were still at the long, gradual end of the Great Recession; two wars were being fought; and many were upset with the government. Democrats blamed Republicans and Republicans blamed Democrats; bitter words were thrown around with great force, and there seemed to be no common ground. In this arena, H.R. 4439 passed with relative ease.

But that was all a long time ago. What I hope you remember about that time was that we at Uhle’s did try to survive, and fought for our survival.

I am a much older man now. As I take my daily walk with my long-suffering wife, taking in the beauty of the fading day, I sometimes think I would like to be puffing on my pipe, on a blend I had made myself. I would puff it was we walked, slow and serene, at peace with my gentle hobby of puffing, the rich smoke perfuming the early evening air. And when we got home, I would place my pipe in my ashtray, where it would wait patiently for the next time I would pass an idle hour. But pipes and tobaccos are gone now.

I do miss my pipe, though. And my tobacco.

I miss the serenity and peace pipe smoking had brought me.

And most of all I miss Uhle’s, and my friends at that long-ago place, that, as Tennyson said of his own companions, had “toiled, and wrought, and thought with me” for so long, and so long ago.

I wish you the best.

I Remain, and in Remembrance,

Chris

Twitter:  @thepipebit

Update on May 25, 2011:  Although H.R. 4439 died without a vote, in February 2011 Senator Tom Harkin introduced Senate 174, which would raise pipe tobacco taxes even higher than 4439.  The efforts to tax all tobacco out of existence will continue. 
The Uhle Tobacco Company, open since 1939, remains in business.

The Curse of The Pipe Smoker

“It smells good in here,” many customers say when they are in the pipe tobacco section of Uhle’s warehouse. The many bulk tobaccos form a pleasing scent, somewhat perfuming the air. I, sadly, don’t notice this anymore as I have been working with pipe tobacco since before Pokemon existed. But the comment does remind me of The Curse of The Pipe Smoker--you can’t smell your blend’s room aroma as you smoke.

This is a unique affliction. Gourmets can have their cake and smell it, too; the baker can enjoy the classic aroma of baking bread; and when cologne or perfume is applied, certainly the wearer can appreciate the scent. Alas, the pipe smoker cannot enjoy the same pleasure while smoking a favorite blend.

Smoking a pipe is surely pleasurable; the flavor of a blend is the main appeal, and this is definitely available for the smoker to savor. So, too, the smoke gently curling from the pipe and the warmth of the bowl in hand. Our tactile, sight and flavor senses are delighted. The poor nose, though, can’t contribute--it’s like hearing your own recorded voice: we know we don’t sound like that, because when we hear our own speaking voice it is through the dense matter of our head (right, some denser than others). Likewise, some physiological switch is tripped and we can’t savor the aroma of our currently-burning blend. We can take pleasure, though, that others in our area may enjoy the fine scent from our briar.

In this respect, pipe smoking becomes something outside the individual. Only bystanders can appreciate the room aroma of what you are smoking in your pipe. Hopefully, they can understand the uniqueness of pipe smoke which does, in fact, smell good--”I love the smell of a pipe” is a phase I’ve heard hundred of times.

And the smoker? It was pipe guru Richard Carleton Hacker who suggested a partial cure to The Curse of The Pipe Smoker: Light your pipe, puff contentedly, then put down your pipe and leave the room for fifteen minutes. On your re-entrance to your den of pipe pleasure, you should be able to enjoy the room aroma of your tobacco. And even better, you can continue smoking.

Twitter: @thepipebit

Similar Machines

Two of my Facebookers have birthdays on May 4.  This is not the only thing they share.

Jason and Rob are both married family guys (NOT Peter Griffin-style).  They both love their wives, work hard, and tend to their properties.  They both enjoy a good pipe or cigar, and both are pros at the Dreaded Social Media.  And they are willing to listen, and give comfort.

Though one lives in Wisconsin and the other in the U.K., they are, like a certain friend they share, similar machines.  Kudos, guys, and happy birthday!